WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD WITH KUPKAKE!!

arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

not blogging since JUNE...

how could i??!?
(well. being that i'm not a stay at home mom and i'm always busy, it can be seemingly difficult, but due to the advances in technology i shall be able to blog on the go very soon :-D )

well lets start off with darling Cupcake..

• First off.. CUPAKE'S GENDER!!!... he's not a boy... she's a girl.. and her name is Sydney... (this happens to be a true shocker to me due to the fact i was GUNG HO I WAS HAVING A BOY!  dagnambit)
• I am 23 weeks pregnant! (woot woot) past the halfway mark.. Cupcake (also known as mini) is according to Babycenter.com (click this for more info!) is over 11 inches and weighs just over a pound.. mango status...alphamom.com didnt give out baby size status as a comparison to fruit... woe is me.. but it did give some pretty dang good information though!!
• Mini kicks.. hard.. been kicking since 14 weeks in the womb she kicks so hard she moves things around lol i love it.. :)
• i found out i'm having two baby showers... one at the school and one at home.. i'm ecstatic.. not because of presents (though i love those) but that i'm going to be surrounded and smothered by people i love and people who love me! :)
• uhm i think that's it.. next post! BELLY PICTURES :)

Finding Myself

i haven't blogged in like 3 months... omg!
before i get in the updates with lil cupcake i wanted to speak on something so supernatural to me that happened yesterday.

Yesterday i woke up.... scared for the first time ever.  I had all the what if's going on in my brain and it made me cry. seriously. i was alone so i had nobody to cry to that could just "understand" what i was truly crying about. But i cried out to God, I found myself praying the whole day almost, and watching uplifting movies on bet.. smh.. me watching bet....
But i prayed for the safety of my child and her welfare.. i prayed for me to be able to take care of her without any problems.. i prayed for everything... i even prayed for her father... who hasn't been there.. i had some unreal what ifs too.. like what if i was too trashed the weekend before i dealt with her father and i might've slept with someone else... crazy stuff like that... i'm praying that that's certainly not true... the reason why was because i did the conception date calculator thing and it didn't point back to the thursday.. it kept pointing to the saturday before it... i'm like wtf... why isn't it definately giving me that specific thursday.. then again, those are all calculations done by a computer..... so it could be different.. i'm still going to ask my doctor though just to make sure...

ANYWAY.. i prayed about that too... i just cried out to God.. and i became upset with myself.. i eventually felt comfort and at ease and i realized that i'm growing up.. this time 7 months ago... i was the wild child.. focused on school.. but wild.. very wild.. and i guess God knew exactly what could stop me from being that way.. and that was when it stopped being about me.. and started being about cupcake... i took alot of heartache and stress my first trimester dealing with harsh words from the BD and from everyone else.. i had to seek help.. i found this one place and they told me God loves me and God IS love... i needed to hear that.. i believe now i must take things a day at a time and i have to just Trust in God that things will be handled.. speaking of all this religous and spiritual thoughts.. i need to find a new church home...anyway. I just pray that for the sake of my baby... things will go right.. as far as financial support and everything else..

anyway..
that's all for this post..!

What's kickin' with cupcake: 9weeks..

so i'm actually 9 weeks and 5 days i believe.. i had my dr's appointment wednesday.. pap okay, blood okay, i'm fine. i got chastised for not eating..but i'm a busy girl working and all... but i have to do better by my cupcake. he deserves the 10 meals he wants lol i swear my stomach growls all day everyday now.

anyway back to the dr's visit...

did the pee pee test.. and i had to get antibiotics to clear up a UTI... (urinary tract, icky) i figured i had one though... i could smell the nitrate.. (TMI, i know)

anyway. he's a few like 2.5 centimeters long and his heartbeat was louder than the first one.
so YEAH.. IT'S REAL... omg.. i'm really pregnant..i'm really carrying another human inside me.... i'm really working on becoming a mom, i'm still looking for a job so i can take care of my baby.. that's the hard part :-/its so hard when you don't have that unconditional support from family and i actually feel bad for putting them through this. like... i feel selfish cuz i'm bringing a baby in this world that depends on me and i have to depend on family and i'm just praying for job number 2.... i need job number 2 to make it through this first year..i can't do it alone like this. ( and the tears start rolling) but i also lost weight too.. hmm.. i thought i'm supposed to GAIN weight.... and my constipation went to diarrhea i think thats from my UTI medicine.. and i need to pick up my pills ( prenatal) soon, and to go and get my medicaid re-done having to depend onppl to type letters and shit... i could've had this stuff done earlier... hopefully i can get things done this week or next week. i really have to make sure i get my bed and things... i switch subjects like it aint nothin' lol

back to baby cupcake
. 3 weeks is my next check up for birth defects i'm praying that he's free of those :)
so... according to alphamom.com he's the size of a grape, i can seriously go for one of those right now.. lol i'm hungry as hell.. they also said maybe the size of a cocktail olive too... i'd kill for a martini... but it'd have to wait until january.. lol lil cupcake has fingers toes eyelids and ears Babycenter.com said the same thing but went into depth about what's going on in the uterus.. interesting shit... lol anyway.. i think i'm going to post on this 3d labor and trimester thing i'm about to watch.. that is i if i don' fall asleep first

say hey to cupcake ya'll! that's him... u can kinda see his head.. lil nubs for arms and on the pic lil nubs for legs... bu hey.. it's a picture of a picture.. sue me! lol i'm sure some of the baby pro's can decipher what is what better than i can lol
that's all for now!
XOXO
cupcake and me

Cupcake makes me listen

TO MUSIC.... omg i'm falling in love wtih my cupcake and i can't feel him move yet or anything... i pray he's okay.. :) but because i'm single...certain songs i play alot to bond me and him together...  this one happens yo bring tears to my eyes



anything by jay-z he might b talking about doing anything for a girl.. but i'd do anything for one kiss from my cupcake... got a while... :-/



sunshine... i can't go a day without my sunshine.. :) :D


that's what's on repeat right now. but um.... 9 weeks :) :) all is well so far! :D
i'll blog about my cupcake update :)

oooh weee

i'm falling behind! :( i've been on my grind 
being pregnant, and moving around aint too good, i jus need to chill with my feet up like everyday! real shit though! i haven't been able to get on and do my bloggy blog...  anyway RECAP TIME
so i'm 8 weeks and 6 days.. almost hitting my 9 week point.. kupkake is doing well... and i go to the doctor next week.. i'm attending summer school AND i'm working.. AND i'm trying to get another job AND i'm in the process o getting an apartment.. just praying for the best.. .doors are opening so i'm about to hop my ass in them bitches...
word is slowly getting out about me having a cupcake in the oven and i had a very interesting conversation that i may not disclose on the blog with one of my gay now straight friends.. he told me that he stopped talking to me cuz of the treatment that my bd has given me.. but hey my bd isn't in the picture so he won't be brought up unless he attempts to get into the picture again.. which i highly doubt he'd do. he's a pure blood coward :)
anyway my baby is the size of a gummy bear/kidney bean according to babycenter.com and alphamom.com.   using two websites now.. they both actually kind of balance each other out pretty nifty...
but i've been concerned about stretch marks.. so i'll b investing in some bio OIL real real soon and real shea butter... i don't want my precious tattoos to fade away... lol.. thank god they're on my sides and not my tummy but i still want them to not b ruined or harmed with the growth of lil cupcake.....
other than that i'm exhausted... girls night out tonight... girls night in tomorrow night.... so fun fun!!
MY NOSE IS STUFFY.... i'm miserable though......
through all of this i'm thankful for no morning sickness


maybe i'll do another post tonight with my procrastinating behind... i want to put pics up of my growing tummy.... i just wanna see the growth
anyway,
HUGS AND KISSES
me!

excitement!!!

i'm EXCITED!! i'm HAPPY! i'm THRILLED!

.... i'm depressed......

let's start off with the first three.. .my bff VD just had her baby.. my cousin GR just had her baby my big SH is five months pregnant my friend VC is seven months my lil sis KB is having her babyshower next week..  i'm overjoyed with all these life changing experiences in my circle of friends!! :) 

okay now to the last one... depressed...i still don't know how i'm going to tell my mom and i keep reflecting back on the harsh things she used to say to me. so i'm growing numb to those words as i play them in my mind every day. every night.. but it hurts to know, just like the rest of my life.. i'm in it by myself.. i expressed my depression to my cousin/p.i.c/rib RJR.. like shit i'm damn near homeless.. i told her how her mom takes her to get stuff.. my mom takes me shopping with MY money.. anyway.. let me not talk about how low my mom is in MY opinion.. which clearly don't matter.. lol 

i'm also depressed cuz i feel that i'm going to be more behind in the things that i'm trying to double up on.. as far as school is concerned then i need a job to be able to take care of me and lil cupcake.. right now its HARRRD.. then my cousin is soo pretty and things are sooo going right in her life. i'm liike why can't my life be like hers... she's in nursing school, she's NOT pregnant (and having waaay more unprotected sex than i have ever had!), she's an AKA, she's super pretty, she has a nice shape, her parents spoil her to death.. why can't that be me.. why do i feel like such an outkast!.... (cries)...

anyway....

what's going on with cupcake.. i'm officially 7weeks pregnant.. no morning sickness yet.. i do pee alot though. but hands feet arms and legs are developing... how awesome.. not fingers and toes yet though! oh and a tail lol... but that'll shrink.. my baby is the size of a blueberry(yum yum)... you can read the rest on Babycenter.com... anyway that's all for now.... maybe i'll be back later with some news..

What's up with the cupcake?

wow.. today was a busy busy busy busy day for me.. i went to the doctor for my first prenatal checkup..
how did that go.. well everything is good! :) i'm 6 weeks and 2 days.. as of right now.. i'm having a singleton and all is well....
my doctor is this ol' ghetto chick named lakisha.. lol her name is lakisha forreal and i admire her cuz she is ghetto as HELL but she's a doctor! she put in WORK for hers! she basically showed me that throughout whatever issues she had to deal with through life she overcame them..that's how i wanna b.. with this pregnancy thing.. gpa was sexy this spring i wanna keep that motivation and momentum going.. even when january 2nd comes.. i wanna drop this load and continue with my education while raising my baby, of course. i have a plan to at least ahve a job and my own place by december. cuz i want a few pieces to splurge on.. but i'll get in products in a second post.. we're talking about my doctor's appointment right now..  and why my cupcake is called cupcake.. that's always a cute one....
anyway. my doctor's appointment went as follows:

• i pee'd in a cup
• i got my blood pressure taken
• i drank some entirely too sweet (but decent) fruit punch juice and almost threw it up
• i got my finger pricked
• i went and got my pap done.. and looked at my gyno's big ass hands(she got some massive hands)
• i got blood taken and cried (and the nurse said she better not see any tattoos while i'm crying like a baby)

i got an ultra sound.. and in my ultrasound was a lil thing blinkin really fast.. it was my baby! size of a lentil bean according to.. Babycenter.com... i'm strangely excited.. and this comes from me being strangely scared at first and NOT wanting to have the baby.. i'm sorta at peace.. i belive that's God workin' on me making me "ready".. cuz i'll keep saying and keep saying.. I'M NOT READY LAWD! i'm still disappointed in myself especially after seeing how focused i was during the year with my pretty gpa.. i really feel like i let myself down. but u know.. im in love with my lil cupcake.. and i won't be mad at him when he comes.. :)  so my relegious women's center appointment is tomorrow.. i'll c how that goes and keep the world posted...

oh oh oh oh oh! i said my due date earlier but u probably didn't catch it..
Cupcake Lawrence is arriving (drumroll please) :JANUARY 2, 2011 (round o' sound for tha cupcake!)


so.. i've gotten lazy.. as stated in this post. iw as going to explain why cupcake was named cupcake in the womb in a seperate post.. but screw it. i'm pregnant, i'm hungry, i'm LAZY..
cupcake got his name because i like cupcakes... they're small.. neat, and sweet.
and i had a status that said.. When life gives you lemons.. use the zest to make cupcakes! so.. i'm using the zest from the super sour lemons of life.. to help mold and shape and love my lovely cupcake! with God's help of course.. and cupcake is helpin me get closer spiritually.. also closer to myself..

anyway.. that's enough for the day
peace, love, and chicken
Me

Hi.. My name is..

man... i just started writing in this blog.. no introduction to me.. just introduction to my situation.... all y'all know is i'm 21 and pregnant.. oh and that i'm in college...

well i'm a MUSIC major.. and i'm a LOVER of MUSIC... i'm a tattoo'ed and pierced artful chica... i have a few friends and a very disfunction family... lol

i love deep conversations and i'm single.. yeah.. anyway.. i say that to say this.. i'm going to be doing more than random rantings of my pregnancy.. i wanna share what i like.. my ink.. my music( well not originally mine, but my likings) and things that interest me for me and for my baby....

OAN: i've been having dreams again.. just like i've had pregnancy dreams.. i'm having twin dreams.. uh oh

CRYING! :(

i find myself doing aLOT of crying nowadays.. and it hasn't been that long..

JUST

MY

FUCKIN'

LUCK!

So i'm up.. because i'm gassy and i have heartburn looking for baby blogs that may assist me or if i could find someone online that i could talk to that could give me pointers about my situation....

and there are some NIIICE baby blogs out there. but in every blog.. the ppl are either married, college grads, married college grads, stay at home moms, or just plain FAB all over...

i'm like.. wtf.. where are the women that every says that are out there that re dealing with the same situations i am who are making it through...?

smh...

i need help, me feel so lonely and moody

Oh EM GEE

So this is my first entry.. my diary.. of me... going through my pregnancy..

My pregnancy happens to be very young...very fresh, i don't think i'm even a full 4 weeks... but i think that this online blog/diary is a good idea for me...

K..

First thing's first.... I am a 21 year old music majoring college student... this is the last week of school coming up and last monday (april 26) i found myself to be expecting a child... first thing i said was OH em GEE!

I remember taking the PT.. the most humorous part of the day... i just felt the need to take it... i took it.. saw just one line at first.. and was like good.. i ain't pregnant.. checked again 2 minutes later.. and there was the other line... like.. what.. NOT good..

well... i say it isn't good due to my situation. clearly i will be parenting alone and going through this whole process alone, actually. My parents are not too great with me doing the pregnancy and keeping the kid.. it has always been like.. when i get in trouble... there were ways to get me out, different detours so i can continue to do what i wanna do. clearly i can't this time.

WHY!?

here's why:

an abortion cost 650 in arkansas (don't judge me i'm alone and i didn't want to bring up a child in some kind of fucked up environment and people disliking me for having government assistance when the time comes)

i refuse to put my body through the pain of an abortion or my mind...

oh.. and did i mention i'm a college student without a JOB... uh yeah... not good

So i have a TON of challenges ahead of me. I have decided to keep my lil bean.. cuz that's what it is now.. really.actually just a tip of a pushpin... or the size of a period.. a lil dot...

so, i'd like to give my child a good childhood while still pursuing my goals of getting my music degree...

all is not lost.. but it's going to be a hard climb...

i just burped... i'm hating the fact that i've been super burpy and super pissy lately...

ANYWAY... the person who practiced the baby-making act with me and wasan't respecting results is CLEARLY NOT IN the picture.. which hurts, really bad, and not very fair to me.

but i digress....

my family won't too much be in the picture either, due to the fact that though i'm an adult.. 21... i'm still not allowed to make my own decisions, i believe that i won't tell them about my pregnancy mainly until i start showing, that way it'd be too late for them to press the issue of an abortion on me.. it don't make sense how i am an adult, basically on my own without the right to my own decisions...

so yeah.. this lil ranger. is a LONE ranger.. no help....

stay tuned world, this blog will be one interesting 9-10 month ride..

i hope its a very informing blog for some women, maybe entertaining maybe just surreal... but i want it to be read! by somebody!