Finding Myself

i haven't blogged in like 3 months... omg!
before i get in the updates with lil cupcake i wanted to speak on something so supernatural to me that happened yesterday.

Yesterday i woke up.... scared for the first time ever.  I had all the what if's going on in my brain and it made me cry. seriously. i was alone so i had nobody to cry to that could just "understand" what i was truly crying about. But i cried out to God, I found myself praying the whole day almost, and watching uplifting movies on bet.. smh.. me watching bet....
But i prayed for the safety of my child and her welfare.. i prayed for me to be able to take care of her without any problems.. i prayed for everything... i even prayed for her father... who hasn't been there.. i had some unreal what ifs too.. like what if i was too trashed the weekend before i dealt with her father and i might've slept with someone else... crazy stuff like that... i'm praying that that's certainly not true... the reason why was because i did the conception date calculator thing and it didn't point back to the thursday.. it kept pointing to the saturday before it... i'm like wtf... why isn't it definately giving me that specific thursday.. then again, those are all calculations done by a computer..... so it could be different.. i'm still going to ask my doctor though just to make sure...

ANYWAY.. i prayed about that too... i just cried out to God.. and i became upset with myself.. i eventually felt comfort and at ease and i realized that i'm growing up.. this time 7 months ago... i was the wild child.. focused on school.. but wild.. very wild.. and i guess God knew exactly what could stop me from being that way.. and that was when it stopped being about me.. and started being about cupcake... i took alot of heartache and stress my first trimester dealing with harsh words from the BD and from everyone else.. i had to seek help.. i found this one place and they told me God loves me and God IS love... i needed to hear that.. i believe now i must take things a day at a time and i have to just Trust in God that things will be handled.. speaking of all this religous and spiritual thoughts.. i need to find a new church home...anyway. I just pray that for the sake of my baby... things will go right.. as far as financial support and everything else..

anyway..
that's all for this post..!